Kayla Ann Raine (kaylaraine) wrote in whos_your_muse,
Kayla Ann Raine


Allen was my second love. It all started a little less than a year after Brandon and I broke up. I wasn't quite over the heartache of losing my first love, my first relationship, my first closeness with a boy. Allen and I knew each other in high school, but weren't really friends, although I think we had some friends in common. We were both in the band and that summer, we both worked at the local McDonalds.

Our relationship started out as friends. At first look, he wasn't the most attractive guy you'd see, but his eyes...oh, I fell in love with his bright blue eyes before I fell in love with the rest of him. I do remember our first kiss though and how shy he was and, as he told me later, how much he didn't expect it to happen.

I was on summer break after my first year of college and Allen was three months short of being a Senior in high school. Again, I went for the younger boy. I took him on a picnic at my college and after sharing a nice lunch on a blanket under a bright blue sky (with puffy clouds), we shared our first kiss. Boy, was he an awful kisser...at first. He got better. Much better. I loved kissing him and I loved looking up into his eyes afterwards.

Sometimes, I think that our relationship was doomed from the start. He didn't have a driver's license yet, so after we both started school, we only got to see each other once or twice a week. Also, his mom really didn't like me for some reason. I honestly think his mom was a bit crazy, but she didn't help our relationship. It was hard being a 19 year old in college with absolute freedom and having to deal with a 17 year old high school boy who often had strict rules about when he could see me.

Still, for six months, we managed to make it seem like heaven. I fell for this boy faster than the first one. Our relationship was pretty intense. Sadly, I didn't lose my virginity to him (or to Brandon for that matter), but Allen was the first person that I had sex with while sober (and in love). I have to say, looking back, the sex wasn't that good, but at the time, it made me happy.

Our break-up story is a little complicated. I'd try to simplify it, but then it wouldn't do our whirlwind romance any justice. About four months after we started dating, I went to Penn State's main campus for a football game one weekend. I randomly met another boy there and felt that we had an strong and instant connection. As I mentioned before, I was quite frustrated having to deal with all of the high school restrictions of our relationship, so I thought that dating someone in college would be better for me. I think I dated both of them for about a week before I told Allen that I wanted to break up with him. I didn't tell him the real reason, but made it seem like I need "space" or something equally as lame.

After dating the new boy for about two weeks, the freshness and excitement wore off for both of us, I think. Plus, I we lived an hour away from each other and I never thought it was a good idea to start a relationship via long-distance. I saw Allen shortly after and I found myself curled up in a ball crying from the pain of missing him. I didn't know it was there until I saw him that day. I immediately broke up with the new boy and asked Allen to get back together. Suprisingly, he agreed.

We were dating...again. Sometimes, I think those last two months were more intense than ever. At one point, I thought he was the guy I was going to marry. We even had a conversation about it. Sadly, I was still niave.

One day, out of the blue, Allen called me and broke up with me. He didn't give me any real reason other than that he needed time to himself. Ok, I thought, I'll give him some space and then we'll get back together. Well, as anyone could guess, that didn't happen. I was really sad about it for a long time. I didn't understand why he broke up with me at all. I tried to ask him, but, quite honestly, he had gone a bit crazy. The next time I saw him, he turned away and acted like he didn't even know who I was.

I still don't quite know why we broke up and why he did it so damn suddenly. I honestly don't think there was another girl. I honestly don't think that I did anything to upset or hurt him. It's just one of those things that I'll never know the answer to. I think about Allen sometimes, although less frequently than Brandon. I still occassionally wear the ring that he bought me when we were dating. There's still a specific song that makes me instantly think of him. And, of course, there is always a small part of me that will wonder what would have happened if I hadn't broken up with him in the first place. Still, I hope that he is happy now and I hope that when he thinks of me (even if on rare occassions) he smiles.
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